Gaston #3 was another abusive relationship and I never realized it. Almost a decade later and he still has power over me. All because I convinced myself he was a good guy. But he made his choices. I don't need to constantly make excuses for them. It's time for me to let go of all the blurred lines and realize he wasn't a good guy. He was emotionally abusive to me. He manipulated me.
I'm going thru old journal entries, looking for certain ones, and I'm realizing how naive I was. I was second to a fucking game. And I let it happen.
It was my first, and only, on/off relationship. But the "off" portions weren't really "off". It was all confusing.
For starters, he was controlling again. Flirting was a huge no-no. And he complained about my guy friends. Complained to the point that I felt bad for having them. Didn't stop me from having them, tho. I wasn't losing friends again.
I was constantly second to MMOs. He would ask me over for the weekend and spend the majority of the time on the computer. So I ended up online on forums, talking to my not-so-imaginary friends.
When we weren't together, I was the one who had to instigate communications. And when I got tired of doing it, and stopped, he would complain about how I never want to talk to him. Most of the time I felt like the guy and I just wanted to be the girl. But I wasn't allowed.
Reading thru these old entries is really enlightening, and I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into myself.
On one of our "on" moments I had the biggest scare of my life. It would have changed my life, and his drastically. And he laughed it off. I thought I was pregnant and he wanted more sex,
So I finally found the entries that I was looking for. The flashing neon lights that I ignored. Well, burned myself on while I was ignoring it. And it all started with a kiss at Momocon.
I had asked for a break because I felt we were rushing back into things after he stopped things. We were trying to focus on our friendship and he ended up talking with a girl online.
Then the kiss happened. And that turned to sex later on. And, well, he's the only guy to ever ask me to marry him....in bed.....during sex......when he was technically dating another girl. I was so stupid.
For a month he dragged me along. And I let him. He used her for the emotional and me for the physical. And it tore me apart. I still can't believe I let him. He tortured me. Dangled a romance just out of my reach and made me beg for it. And I let him. I let him abuse me, even tho I had my reserves about him. I still let him torture me
I was the other woman. And, even tho it tore me up, I didn't want to stop it. I needed to stop it. But I didn't. It was easier to be in that crazy situation than to be by myself. And that makes me question what I was thinking.
So, yeah, I've gone thru my old journal, but I still don't see why I did it. I had the ability to tell her but I didn't. And she isn't the last that I didn't tell. I'm not proud of either situation.
She did find out. A mutual friend helped.
Looking back at it, I realize I'm done with it all. I don't want to dissect it. I don't want to give myself the chance to come up with more excuses. He's not a good guy. A good guy wouldn't put two girls that he "cared" for thru that.
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