So it's the last day of the year. I should prolly try to leave some things. Stop letting them have power over me. But it's so hard to take the control back. It's hard to convince my brain they were wrong.
I've been in my fair share of relationships, but only three wrecked my psyche. There still have power over me. And it's horrible.
Maybe he'll change, maybe things'll get better/ Maybe it would be nice, if he wouldn't always put you down/ Maybe things'll work out, but maybe they'll never/ And I think you've given him the benefit of the doubt.My first relationship was horrible. I was unprepared and naive and he took advantage of that. I didn't know any better. I was in an abusive relationship and I had no clue because I thought it was love.
A couple months ago my friend shared an article called "15 warning signs of an abusive relationship". By then I know it was an abusive relationship. It just hit home how bad it really was. As I went thru those fifteen signs, I mentally put a check by each of them. All fifteen pertained to one relationship. You can find the list here. (It will open in a new window)
The first one they mention is oppressive behavior. Looking back, I was barely allowed a thought of my own. I wasn't allowed to have friends outside of the ones he okayed. I lost touch with so many people because of him.
Second is possessiveness. I'm a natural flirt. I do it without realizing it. Flirting, to me, isn't a bad thing and should never be punished. Just because I flirted with someone doesn't mean I'm going to jump their bones. I'm showing appreciation for some aspect of their being. This became a huge issue when he best friend came into town. Before even meeting the guy, I was told I was forbidden to like him or flirt with him. I was told I wasn't allowed to be friends with his best friend. That's all kinds of messed up. He was scared I would jump his best friend because I couldn't control my lady bits when attractive people were around.
The fourth is manipulation. This ability was handed to him on a silver platter. I was so naive it isn't funny. All he had to do was say a few choice words, and he had all the control. One of his favorites was: "If you wouldn't eat so much, you'd look like a super model." Remember, I wasn't eating a whole lot to begin with. But my body was a huge weakness and he had no problem exploiting it.
The sixth one ended up being my wake-up moment. Violence-apology cycle. He had his violent moments, but never towards me. So I didn't see it as abuse. I know better now. He was instilling a fear in my brain without me realizing it. If he can punch a wall, what's stopping him from hitting me? Then one day he crossed the line and all the abuse clicked. He cornered me in the kitchen and started choking me. I still have no clue what I did or if I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I got out of the hold and he apologized profusely. But I knew I had to get out the relationship while I still had a say.
The tenth one mentioned is unrealistic expectations. I was expected to perform on queue without any reciprocation. And I was expected to do whatever he wanted at that moment. It didn't matter if I wasn't in the mood or if I had piles of schoolwork to do. I was on this planet to please him. And I still remember the one thing that would have pleased him the most. He constantly asked to add another girl. He used the excuse that she would be for me, but I don't think that's the case anymore. He was going to have sole choice in who was added. They only way I could stop it was tell him to let me to think about it. It didn't matter to him that I was visibly uncomfortable with the idea. He expected me to do what his wanted, regardless of my own feelings.
Provocative behavior is the thirteenth one mentioned. He didn't do a lot of flirting with other girls, or guys (he was bi), when I was around. However, he would take "breaks" from me so he could go out with other girls without our relationship being in the way. With no regards to how torn up it made me. And I know I killed my parents when I would accept him back a couple days later. What can I say? I was naive and he said he loved me. I'm fairly certain he never loved me. He just loved controlling me.
Obviously I just covered a handful of the ones they mentioned. I didn't want to relive some of them.
It took me a year and a half to realize I was in an abusive relationship. It took him becoming physical for everything to click. Before this piece of shit, I didn't realize there was such a thing as emotional abuse in relationships.
For years I was scared of him. Scared I would run into him again. Scared he would weasel his way back into my life. Scared he would take back all the control. For ten years I let him have immense power over me because I was scared.
And then I did run into him. And I realized I could kick his ass if he tried anything. I had the power, not him. And there was no way in hell he could pry that from my fingers.
I still have the emotional scars. I still have the gut reflex to shy away from people reaching for my neck. I'm working thru them. But I'm not scared anymore.
