Tangled Up Puppet (2/3/16)

February's a bad month for me. Granted, I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day, but now I loathe the day. It's a yearly reminder of what I've lost. Some years I'm okay. I make it thru. But other years I just want to die. This year is looking to be the latter. I've had my first panic attack of the season and it was a doozy. My usual methods helped very little.

February 12, 2011 I lost my mom to cancer. And the pain hasn't subsided. It never will. You just learn to survive with it.

She was home. It didn't matter what I did, she was home. I lost so much that day. More than anyone can imagine. When the world was trying to change me, she encouraged me to be who I wanted. She let me explore myself without pushing me into a mold.

I didn't cope well to begin with. I was told at a young age that crying was a sign of weakness. I didn't want to be seen as weak, so I trained myself to not cry. Which makes mourning painful, emotionally and physically.

By default, I bottle up anything emotional. Emotions equate to weakness, because that's how I lived for so long. Even now, trying to bring out true emotions is hard. I know it's no longer a weakness, but rewiring my brain is hard. And this month makes it nigh impossible. All I want to do is cry. But crying causes pain. So I fight against it. Which only leads to more problems.

How can I work thru the pain if I never properly grieved in the first place?

Yes, I cried when my mom passed. I cried a lot. But I was also numb to my feelings. I distracted myself. With making the video for the funeral home. With packing up my mom's clothes for my dad. With watching my nephew for my sister. I distracted myself until I couldn't feel anything. But I never grieved.

Five years later and I still haven't grieved. I've distracted myself thru everything. Everything that I should have had an emotional reaction thru, I didn't. I didn't know how to. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to live without numbing myself. Emotions cause me pain because I never knew how to experience them. They were a weakness. They caused problems.

Even now I'm trying to stop the tears from falling.

Wishes

So I've been trying to write this one for years. And I never realized some things about it until I wrote the last entry.

Gaston #3 was another abusive relationship and I never realized it. Almost a decade later and he still has power over me. All because I convinced myself he was a good guy. But he made his choices. I don't need to constantly make excuses for them. It's time for me to let go of all the blurred lines and realize he wasn't a good guy. He was emotionally abusive to me. He manipulated me.

I'm going thru old journal entries, looking for certain ones, and I'm realizing how naive I was. I was second to a fucking game. And I let it happen.

It was my first, and only, on/off relationship. But the "off" portions weren't really "off". It was all confusing.

For starters, he was controlling again. Flirting was a huge no-no. And he complained about my guy friends. Complained to the point that I felt bad for having them. Didn't stop me from having them, tho. I wasn't losing friends again.

I was constantly second to MMOs. He would ask me over for the weekend and spend the majority of the time on the computer. So I ended up online on forums, talking to my not-so-imaginary friends.

When we weren't together, I was the one who had to instigate communications. And when I got tired of doing it, and stopped, he would complain about how I never want to talk to him. Most of the time I felt like the guy and I just wanted to be the girl. But I wasn't allowed.

Reading thru these old entries is really enlightening, and I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into myself.

On one of our "on" moments I had the biggest scare of my life. It would have changed my life, and his drastically. And he laughed it off. I thought I was pregnant and he wanted more sex,

So I finally found the entries that I was looking for. The flashing neon lights that I ignored. Well, burned myself on while I was ignoring it. And it all started with a kiss at Momocon.

I had asked for a break because I felt we were rushing back into things after he stopped things. We were trying to focus on our friendship and he ended up talking with a girl online.

Then the kiss happened. And that turned to sex later on. And, well, he's the only guy to ever ask me to marry him....in bed.....during sex......when he was technically dating another girl. I was so stupid.

For a month he dragged me along. And I let him. He used her for the emotional and me for the physical. And it tore me apart. I still can't believe I let him. He tortured me. Dangled a romance just out of my reach and made me beg for it. And I let him. I let him abuse me, even tho I had my reserves about him. I still let him torture me

I was the other woman. And, even tho it tore me up, I didn't want to stop it. I needed to stop it. But I didn't. It was easier to be in that crazy situation than to be by myself. And that makes me question what I was thinking.

So, yeah, I've gone thru my old journal, but I still don't see why I did it. I had the ability to tell her but I didn't. And she isn't the last that I didn't tell. I'm not proud of either situation.

She did find out. A mutual friend helped.

Looking back at it, I realize I'm done with it all. I don't want to dissect it. I don't want to give myself the chance to come up with more excuses. He's not a good guy. A good guy wouldn't put two girls that he "cared" for thru that.

Dear Mr. Darcy (from March 25th, 2010)

I have been infatuated with you for the past 5 years. I still am at a lost of words as to why, but you are always there when I feel down and lonely. Why must your infuriating manner arouse me so?? You are obnoxious and annoying, yet I find myself returning to you time and time again. You have been my rock and my salvation. As hard as I try, I just cannot let you go. I have tried and tried to get over you, but I cannot manage to leave you. Every time I have a low, I run back to you, be it thru book or movie. I thank you for always being there. For helping me thru the hard times. I know it's against your character, but you have caught me when so many others have let me fall. So many times have I sat and envisioned myself as Miss Elizabeth. Many times have I worn her shoes in my dreams. All just to be that much closer to you. You are my bad boy, not with tattoos and a motorcycle, but with a top hat and stallion. There's something in your nature, something in your stance, that just draws me to you. I am not quite sure what it is, my Mr. Darcy, but it is intoxicating and I cannot get enough of it. Your strength and sureness ignites my soul and makes me want to be a worthy conquest. One day I hope to meat a man as great as you, a man that makes me feel as beautiful as you make Elizabeth feel. For now I shall return to you again and again for you will be the constant in my ever changing life. For all of this I thank you from the bottom of my soul, my Mr. Darcy. I am truly indebted to you.
Forever Yours...