I Want Sex and Candy

"Virgin: noun, a person who has never had sexual intercourse."

 I know I said I'd write about Gaston #1, but this needs to come first. He's a major part of it, but there's more to it than him.

So here's the shocker: I'm a virgin. Well, okay, not by the modern definition up there. That didn't last after 19. But the classical definition still holds true to me. Which I'm okay with. And it is funny being able to say I fit at least part of the word.

Classical definition (or interpretation from history): strong woman, independent, not owned by a man (i.e. married)

I like to think I fit at least part of that. I'm not married. I don't think having a boyfriend is the only thing that defines me. Oh, and another thing that's not in the definition, but in the history of the word: I have no kids.

Sex wasn't this huge snafu in ancient times like it is now. And therein lies some of my problems. Sex was taboo growing up. Anything dealing with sex wasn't mentioned. It was better for me to be scared of what was between people's legs than understand it. Including my own.

I learned about sex from soft-core porn on Starz. Mainly because every time I asked what was going on with my puberty-driven body, I was told I was too young to understand. I stopped asking.

I learned what I could from porn and books, but I was still terrified of what was actually going on with my body. It was wrong to want to do these things. Sex was wrong and horrible and you were less of a person if you did it before marriage. You, as a woman, were worth less because you were defiled. Sex was bad. Not this wonderful merging of souls.

I spent my teenage years being scared and curious and terrified of my curiosity.  Then I went to collage. I was out of the house and living in the dorms. And my dormmate introduced me to one of her "flavors", for lack of a better term. She was very much a classic virgin. She even hid her pregnancy the whole time we lived together. But I digress. She introduced me to Gaston #1.

I was naive and unprepared for the sexual world. I'd like to say I would do things differently if I actually knew about how things worked. I hope I wouldn't have let him control me because I was addicted to that wonderful feeling and didn't understand why.

Me and my curious brain lasted a whole 2 months before giving it up that first time. Thinking back, that might be the longest.

They say your first time is the worst. Yeah, I can see that. They tell you the pain only lasts a little bit. He mad sure I had no pain (about the only good thing about him). They say the orgasm is like nothing you've ever experience. I didn't orgasm. They say you'll always remember it. Yes, I do. But not for how amazing it was. I remember it because my first time was unusual. My first time was anal.

Sex was never special with him. Or the next Gaston. The third Gaston tried, but I was too jaded by then. Sex became a chore. And I realized they were right. Sex was this horrible monstrosity that defiled me.

I don't feel like that anymore, but it took a while. And a few guys. I don't have a big number. But it's enough. I've only been with 9 people. A few of those experiences I'm not too fond of. Most of them I cherish. All of them I learned from. I learned what I was always too young to know. I learned not to be scared of what's between someone's legs. It leads to a wonderful mixture of souls that is far from a horribly evil sensation. I've learned to not let sex define me.

I enjoy sex. This does not make me defiled. Or a slut. Or a whore. Or horrible. Or careless. Or out of control. Or any of those horrible things people say about sexual women (or men).

I'm not ashamed of who I've become sexually. Nor should I ever be forced to be. Yes, I regret some of the things I let happen to me. But I'm not ashamed of who those situations created.

Sex should never be something to fear. Nor should little girls ever be thought such. When you take this route, you're teaching that little girl to hate her body and her self. You are creating a problem, not helping a situation.

Sexual shame is something that happens way too often. And more times than not, it's that naive, little girl who has to fight, unarmed, against it.